Ride or Die

Ok...before you get all judgemental, let me translate my title for the older crowd..."kids these days" use the phrase "ride or die" to describe a specific type of loyalty. Basically it means, we'll ride through this storm together...or we'll die swimming. When someone describes themselves as loyal, I immediately think they're lying. Call it cynical, judgemental, or just plain rude....I think they're bold-face lying. (Yes, God and I are working on this area in my life, no worries...He knows ALL about it) Why? Because I've seen it WAY too much. And I ask myself so many times, where is the loyalty? I truly believe the main enemy of loyalty is self. Let me explain using "random characters" in a "random church" that my dad "randomly pastored." So, we...um "the church" needed a music minister....desperately. So dad and "the board" started reviewing applications for the position. God was taking our church in a new direction and we needed someone who could handle growth, change and new opportunities. And we found him. Never in my life have I EVER come across ANYONE like this guy....even to this day. He was an AMAZING musician, had an infectious personality and could lead ANYONE to the Throne Room. Dad prayed and prayed and God said "He's the one." Everyone was SO excited....the church, his family and excitement couldn't begin to describe how our own family felt. We were ready to take the city by storm....a united front....or was it? The one detail that was left out of this wonderful equation is the fact that this was a black family. Dad was the first white pastor in town, shoot in our region....to hire a black music minister. Now, you need to understand that my whole life, color has been a non-issue. Racism disgusts me...disgusts my whole family. I never thought twice about having a black music minister on staff....I was actually relieved. Our church was WAY too vanilla for my liking....we needed this...we needed him. God knew it...daddy knew it...everyone knew it...or so we thought. Once he was brought on staff, within six months....dad lost half of his board members....to some, you might say....well, that's only like 6 men....no....that's 6 men and their families. These are families that I'd grown up with, went to kids' camp, sleepovers...their families were like our extended family. It was devastating to me....but it was even more confusing. I didn't understand why someone's skin color could make such an impact. But what I did come to understand, change brings out the best or worst in people. Sweet mercy, I saw some of the worst. I heard things coming out of people's mouths that absolutely made me sick...and these were leaders in the church....of course, chalk it up to just "joking around." But I'm pretty sure God don't like ugly...Proverbs 26:18-19...Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I am only joking!”...The question that kept creeping into my thoughts was...where is the loyalty...these men stood with my dad and said, we're with you...come hell or high water, we'll stand behind you...but the INSTANT a decision is made (which they helped make, hello) that gets a little too close to unresolved stuff in their hearts....cockroaches...running from the light. My dad put his reputation on the line for the will of God and the good of our church but these men couldn't see past their own issues. They gave up loyalty for the sake of themselves. My dad had to remain faithful to the call and stand strong even if some of his closest friends left him alone. It hurt him. I knew it. He didn't understand it either. When you depend on people that are close to you and they leave you because it doesn't look or feel right, it cuts deep. Trust is broken...loyalty forsaken. But God...the best remedy for brokeness...worship. And we had some of the BEST times I've EVER experienced worshipping....what could've been seen as something that would split the church in half, ended up bringing us even closer together and God began to move...He moves for the loyal...PKs, if anything...ANYTHING...be LOYAL....your dad needs it...RIDE OR DIE

Under the armour....

This one is tough for me to even think about, let alone write about....when you're in a position of leadership, you feel the need to "keep it all together" for the sake of the people that God has put in your care....if the shepherd panics, the sheep are gonna go plum crazy....so as a result, it's hard for the leader/shepherd to show true, RAW emotions when something rocks the very existence of the flock....1997....holidays....the church was doing great, God was moving and we were just happy to be a part....and then we were hit with a mack truck....side-swiped by something we hadn't seen coming....mom and I were at home when dad got in from work....something was up....his face was puffy....he looked sick....after he greeted me, he went into their bedroom and closed the door....mom went with him....me being the inquisitive/nosy teenager, I tried my best to eavesdrop....the only thing I heard was my father....weeping....I didn't have to see it to know that it was that ugly cry that just wrecks your face and comes from a place so deep you can't even withhold your moans....at this point, I'm freaking out....I'm thinking he's sick or something, so I barge in....my parents look up and both are bawling....enter panic-mode.....I'm like, what the heck is going on....pause for a little backstory....for some strange reason, I'd always had this fear that my parents were gonna up and get a divorce at any given moment....most of my friends' parents had done it, what's to keep mine from doing the same....when I turned twelve, it was THE longest year of my life....my mom's parents had gotten a divorce when she was twelve and I just thought it'd be a genetic thing for my parents to call it quits that year....one night, they started to argue and I flipped....so I wrote a note on a piece of paper, folded it into a paper airplane and flew it in the living room where they were arguing....laughter immediately followed and they explained that just because they argue doesn't mean they don't love each other and aren't committed to each other....but still, I'd always had that fear....fast forward to barging in on their cry fest....I'm like "you guys are ok, right....ya'll aren't splitting up are you"....they said absolutely not but that daddy had gotten some really bad news at the church and once they processed that news, they'd tell me....once that news reached my ears, I IMMEDIATELY understood their reaction....mine was the same....absolutely devastation....disappointment....hurt....DEEP hurt....mercy, I still get emotional when I think about it....when people in the "business world" get news like this, it doesn't really affect much....when people in the ministry get news like this, the right thing to do is communicate to the church the situation....and this responsibility fell ALL on my dad's shoulders....not because he was involved but because he was the shepherd and he needed to protect the sheep....never in my life have I EVER seen my dad walk through something like this, and I really haven't since....he was a wounded warrior....I saw him at his most vulnerable....at his weakest point....his heart was broken and you could feel it in simply looking into his eyes....he was never more sad....and I was never more proud....I know that sounds weird but let me explain....there are some people that think that pastors are sorta superhuman....that they take bad news in stride and never miss a beat....they trust God and smile all the way through....when our family....and our church family walked through this, my dad didn't swallow his emotions and tried to "save face" for the sake of everyone, he showed us ALL just how simply human he was....just because he's behind the pulpit doesn't mean he loses his capacity to hurt....he knew all eyes were watching how he'd respond....he knew every move would be judged and decisions would be questioned....but through it all, he was bravely "pastor" and beautifully human....this is the stuff that people, "church folk," don't see enough of....people need to see that just because you're a leader doesn't make you immune to pain...."putting on a good face" for people isn't always the right thing to do.....putting on a REAL face is what people are looking for....looking back, my dad taught me how to handle situations not just for the benefit of myself but for others....that it's ok to cry because you hurt....tears aren't always a sign of weakness....sometimes those tears display the greatest strength....

Leveling the playing field

Not gonna lie....my 8th grade year was THE worst year I had in school growing up....I was a smart alec, know-it-all, quick-tempered little girl....in sports, I'd yell back at my coaches....throw chairs....I was like the Ron Artest of jr. high....I was rude to anyone in authority and got in TONS of trouble because of it....looking back, I'm not really sure what made me so anti-authority....my parents were AMAZING....they had this great way of balancing discipline with love....and I "got" it....but with everyone else, that same respect didn't translate....AT ALL....I spent a lot of my time in AEP (Alternative Education Placement...or in school suspension)....crazy, I know....especially since I'm a pastor's kid and EVERYONE knew it....second semester of that same year didn't start off much better....I was "blessed" with probably THE meanest math teacher alive....we'll call her "Mrs. R."....well, Mrs. R. was a loud, brash, big-eyed, makeup-lathered woman that didn't seem to enjoy children....I think she became a teacher for all of the holiday wear and accessories....sweet mercy....she had pumpkin earrings the size of small dogs....anyways....needless to say, I got in trouble in her class....EVERY day....so finally, a parent conference was called....my dad came in and there we were....me, the enemy (Mrs. R.) and my savior (daddy)....so Mrs. R. began to run down her laundry list of things I'd done and said in her class and she ended her schpeel with...."honestly Mr. Peak, I expect more from her since she's the daughter of a minister"....with all the stuff she'd said, I almost agreed with her and knew "pickin' a switch" was in my future....but my dad answered her with the most surprising response....he said...."you shouldn't expect ANY more or ANY less from my daughter, no matter who I am or what I do...she is just like EVERY OTHER STUDENT"....playing field leveled....as PKs, whether we admit it or not....we feel this sense of responsibility....we carry this notion that we should act certain ways because of who our dad is....but, we hold our dads in such high esteem that we feel it's almost too much to take on....we set these high expectations for ourselves because we're "that pastor's kid" and we should "act better because your dad's a preacher"....but when my dad told Mrs. R. that day that I was like every other kid and to treat me as such, it was like that burden of trying to meet everyone's expectations kinda lifted....I WAS every other kid....anyone in ministry that has kids, please let them know that they're just like everyone else....they don't need to worry about living up to the PK label (which, I've learned, isn't the best label to have), they just need to LIVE....now, I didn't get out of "pickin' a switch" that night because my daddy sat me down and told me that I needed to change my attitude and my heart towards people in authority over me....and eventually, I truly learned that lesson....but maybe the biggest thing I learned that day was....I'm not JUST a PK....I'm JUST like everyone else....

So here we go.....

I can't even begin to tell you how long I've waited for this moment....writing a blog, no....bringing people past the parsonage and into what life is REALLY like as a PK (Pastor's Kid, for those that are new), YES! I'm (proudly) 28 yrs old and am finally at the point where I feel I can weed through all of my thoughts and feelings about what life was like as a PK and give an honest look into the struggles....the highs....the lows....the mountain times and valley seasons.....that EVERY PK walks through....hopefully, by sharing my stories (and I've got TONS)...people, not only PKs, will see things a little differently....not everything is as it seems....and in the words of that MTV show, Diary...."you think you know, but you have no idea".....

So this is where it all started.....1996.....we're on our way back from an awesome youth camp....we were dirty, hungry and exhausted....but we were happy....there's always a bond when you go on trips with people....it's weird...even the dumbest memories of that guy that farted in the back of the church bus live forever! We were a little more than halfway home and the "older youth" started talking about church finances. Now....I've gotta tell you, PKs get a bad rap....but it's really the DKs that start the mess (JK, Deacon's Kids....sorta). Why these high school kids were talking about the church finances is BEYOND me....my opinion: if you have either of the following things, you shouldn't be SERIOUSLY talking about money...1) A velcro wallet 2) A chain that connects that wallet to your JNCO jeans....anyways...the financial conversation began to die out and we started talking about our plans for the rest of the summer....to which I responded by saying...."we're going to Miami before school starts, I'm so excited".... didn't think it was a big deal, we go every year....well, the next statement that came out of someone's mouth changed my life FOREVER and has stuck with me since that Friday...."oh, now I see where all our tithe is going"....I was shocked....and silent for the rest of the ride home....MILLIONS of thoughts flooded my mind....I'm thinking, you're a teenager dummy....if we depended on your tithe, we'd be spending lunch in Belton! And do you NOT remember that my mom works 50+ hours a week too? Do you honestly think that your pastor "takes your tithe" and frivolously spends it however he wants!?!?! Life changing moment....that's not just your pastor.....um....that's my daddy you're talking about.....