Under the armour....

This one is tough for me to even think about, let alone write about....when you're in a position of leadership, you feel the need to "keep it all together" for the sake of the people that God has put in your care....if the shepherd panics, the sheep are gonna go plum crazy....so as a result, it's hard for the leader/shepherd to show true, RAW emotions when something rocks the very existence of the flock....1997....holidays....the church was doing great, God was moving and we were just happy to be a part....and then we were hit with a mack truck....side-swiped by something we hadn't seen coming....mom and I were at home when dad got in from work....something was up....his face was puffy....he looked sick....after he greeted me, he went into their bedroom and closed the door....mom went with him....me being the inquisitive/nosy teenager, I tried my best to eavesdrop....the only thing I heard was my father....weeping....I didn't have to see it to know that it was that ugly cry that just wrecks your face and comes from a place so deep you can't even withhold your moans....at this point, I'm freaking out....I'm thinking he's sick or something, so I barge in....my parents look up and both are bawling....enter panic-mode.....I'm like, what the heck is going on....pause for a little backstory....for some strange reason, I'd always had this fear that my parents were gonna up and get a divorce at any given moment....most of my friends' parents had done it, what's to keep mine from doing the same....when I turned twelve, it was THE longest year of my life....my mom's parents had gotten a divorce when she was twelve and I just thought it'd be a genetic thing for my parents to call it quits that year....one night, they started to argue and I flipped....so I wrote a note on a piece of paper, folded it into a paper airplane and flew it in the living room where they were arguing....laughter immediately followed and they explained that just because they argue doesn't mean they don't love each other and aren't committed to each other....but still, I'd always had that fear....fast forward to barging in on their cry fest....I'm like "you guys are ok, right....ya'll aren't splitting up are you"....they said absolutely not but that daddy had gotten some really bad news at the church and once they processed that news, they'd tell me....once that news reached my ears, I IMMEDIATELY understood their reaction....mine was the same....absolutely devastation....disappointment....hurt....DEEP hurt....mercy, I still get emotional when I think about it....when people in the "business world" get news like this, it doesn't really affect much....when people in the ministry get news like this, the right thing to do is communicate to the church the situation....and this responsibility fell ALL on my dad's shoulders....not because he was involved but because he was the shepherd and he needed to protect the sheep....never in my life have I EVER seen my dad walk through something like this, and I really haven't since....he was a wounded warrior....I saw him at his most vulnerable....at his weakest point....his heart was broken and you could feel it in simply looking into his eyes....he was never more sad....and I was never more proud....I know that sounds weird but let me explain....there are some people that think that pastors are sorta superhuman....that they take bad news in stride and never miss a beat....they trust God and smile all the way through....when our family....and our church family walked through this, my dad didn't swallow his emotions and tried to "save face" for the sake of everyone, he showed us ALL just how simply human he was....just because he's behind the pulpit doesn't mean he loses his capacity to hurt....he knew all eyes were watching how he'd respond....he knew every move would be judged and decisions would be questioned....but through it all, he was bravely "pastor" and beautifully human....this is the stuff that people, "church folk," don't see enough of....people need to see that just because you're a leader doesn't make you immune to pain...."putting on a good face" for people isn't always the right thing to do.....putting on a REAL face is what people are looking for....looking back, my dad taught me how to handle situations not just for the benefit of myself but for others....that it's ok to cry because you hurt....tears aren't always a sign of weakness....sometimes those tears display the greatest strength....